Responding Well to a Disclosure of Hurt in the Ministry Environment
If a friend confided to you an experience of being harassed or otherwise hurt in the ministry environment, would you know how to listen? And what to do next? Every situation is different, and we should not expect to react perfectly, but there are steps you can take to respond with both care and wisdom, and more fully earn the trust that has been placed in you.
Start by considering how it might feel to disclose.
The person confiding in you may be experiencing a complicated mix of emotions and fears, including:
Humiliation, shame
Self-blame for what happened
The belief that family and friends will never be supportive, even if they are or would be
Anger, sadness, betrayal
Disbelief/denial of severity of what happened
Very anxious about reporting
Fearful for his/her job, ministry position or relationship with others
Fearful of having made a problem out of nothing, or that others will perceive the complaint that way
Fearful of retaliation from the accused or others
Fearful he/she will not be taken seriously
2. Listen more, speak less.
For many of us (me included), this approach is counterintuitive. We want to be an encouragement and a problem-solver. Even so, our normal human reactions, while well-intended, can make things more difficult for those experiencing hurt. Take a clue from these “don’ts.”
Don’t interrogate. Ask a few basic questions, if you need to understand what has happened or to learn if your friend is safe, but keep in mind that even your well-meaning questions can feel like an investigation or cross-examination. Focus on listening.
Don’t minimize the concern, even if you think it is minimal. Don’t say, “At least she/he didn’t …..” While this comment may be intended to encourage, your friend needs to know that his or her hurt matters. Moreover, there could be much more to the story than you realize.
Don’t tell your own story of harassment or hurt. This is not about you, or any comparison between your story and your friend’s.
Don’t make any promises about how the situation will be resolved, even if you may have a role in resolving it.
3. Take safety seriously.
If your friend expresses feeling unsafe or if it seems your friend could be in danger (even if you are not sure), help your friend take steps to be safe while the situation is addressed. This could mean securing a temporary place to stay, or bringing the concern immediately to law enforcement or the ministry organization.
4. Encourage elevating the concern to someone who has the authority to address it.
If your friend has not already reported the situation to someone with the authority to address it (typically, a supervisor, HR director, pastor or ministry leader), you can encourage him or her to do so, and volunteer to be there as a support. If the organization has a written policy on reporting harassment or abuse, start there. If not, or if you are not sure, start with someone in leadership who you have reason to trust. If your friend discloses being the victim of a crime such as assault or stalking, offer to accompany and support your friend as he or she makes a report to law enforcement.
5. If necessary, raise the red flag yourself.
Few decisions are more difficult than the decision to bring a complaint on behalf of a friend or coworker who is hesitant to come forward. Even if your ministry’s policy does not require you to report, consider coming forward on your friend’s behalf. While doing so does not guarantee an ideal response by the organization, it may be the only potential way to prevent further harm to your friend or others. Be there to support your friend during the response process.